Iain speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.'
'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot.' Iain shouts. 'This is her husband.'
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'
'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'
Kerry is medical student. When she was studying the toxicology module she attended the 'poison control centre' in the city. Kerry told a tale that a woman had 'phoned who was very upset because she had caught her little daughter eating ants. Kerry quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to take her daughter to Southampton General hospital. She calmed the caller down. At the end of the conversation the woman happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
Kerry told her that she better take her daughter to accident and emergency straightaway!
An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.
If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.
On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.
Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'
One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, 'Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.'
'Well, 'the doctor replied, 'Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness' .
Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, 'Betty, what's for dinner?'
Betty says, 'That's the fourth time you asked me. It's meatloaf.'
A guy goes to see a doctor and when they get into the private room the doctor says to the patient, "What seems to be the problem?" The patient answers, "You have to promise not to laugh."
The doctor managed to ask, "What's the problem?"
The patient then said, "It's swollen."